Confessions of a Coffee Snob

Ok be forewarned I will sound like a complete snob here but we all have our flaws right?

So the other morning we were out of coffee.  *Gasp* As I’m sure you can imagine, the Mr. and I drink coffee to help us peel open our eyes and function in the morning.  I walk almost blindly, with my hands waving in front of me to not bang into or trip on anything (especially children that would be bad) to the espresso machine and robotically perform the same exact function every morning.

We actually really enjoy coffee.  It’s something we like to make with care.  We take the time to sit and enjoy drinking it while it’s hot. (Actually, no we don’t, half of the time the coffee gets microwaved 5 times before I take the first sip but let’s pretend)

Image

http://www.k-west.co.uk/k-news/

We have an espresso machine at home and our secondary choice of preparing our coffee is with a French press.  We have a manual frother, cinnamon shakers and so many fun espresso and latte cups.  We have wooden and glass coffee stir spoons so not to negatively affect the crema.  We buy beans and have a grinder to grind the beans fresh every day.  We bring the French press with us when we go camping and the espresso machine comes with us to the cottage.  I even carry one of these in my purse…

Imagehttp://www.ahalife.com/signup/?utm_source=Pinterest

 No, I’m just kidding but if you ever wanted to send me a gift for whatever reason I would like one please.

I told you, we are coffee snobs and it gets worse.

My favorite dessert is an alcoholic coffee, any kind will do but I prefer a B52 Coffee.  I would rather this for dessert than a cake or pie.  And no it’s not because of the alcohol it’s because I like the coffee and the whipped cream (let’s pretend again ok?)

The best way is like this:

Imagehttp://www.scienceofdrink.com/2008/01/22/b-52/langswitch_lang/en/

 So the other morning we were out of coffee.  It was a Sunday and the Mr. usually makes the coffee on Sunday mornings (yes I know he’s awesome) It was early, no stores are ever open that early on a Sunday and all we had in the cupboard was instant coffee.  Why you might ask do snobby coffee drinkers have instant coffee in the house?  My Mum loves instant coffee it’s her preferred method so I always have it on hand for her (yes, I’m such a nice daughter aren’t I?)  Sorry if this post offends you Mum but we’ve had this laughable argument in my kitchen many a time.

Instant coffee tastes like it still comes from this era:

Imagehttp://thinkofthat.net/inspiration/

 Anyway my loving Mr. knows how much I love a coffee in the morning so he sees only the instant and decides to check online how to brew the best instant coffee.

That is the funniest thing I have ever heard.

The website that he found told how to brew the perfect cup of instant coffee.  WHAT??!!

There is no such thing as a perfectly brewed instant cup of coffee no matter what you do.  It’s boiling water and instant coffee grains, crystals or whatever they are called.

The website went on to say that you must first add half of the water and to stir the instant coffee to let it dissolve then fill up the rest of the cup with water.

WHAT!!??

Have you ever, ever, EVER had a lumpy cup of instant coffee? Well other then possibly having curdling milk or cream in it (ewww) It’s like powder milk it just dissolves instantly, hence the name.  No matter the volume of water.  Nonsense.

So my loving husband followed the instructions, brought me my coffee in bed and with a smirk proceeded to tell me about his search, attempt and execution of making the perfect cup of instant coffee while I laughed the coffee out of my nose and had to do yet again one more load of laundry….

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62 thoughts on “Confessions of a Coffee Snob

  1. Unfortunately, I can’t drink coffee (weird allergy to certain beans like soy, coffee, etc., which all make me nauseous), but thanks for allowing me to live vicariously through the hilarious and auspicious experience of being a coffee snob! :) However, um…I laughed my Diet Pepsi through my nose in your honor when I read of your hubby’s coffee blunder, so I could feel like one of the gang! She says while shaking her head…LOL! Men! They’ll actually FOLLOW the asinine directions on the Internet regarding the percolating of INSTANT coffee (ahem, and I’m thinking even the NAME evokes the idea that brewing is not required), but ask for directions when they get lost? Yeah, we all know how that ends. We wives must threaten to jump out of the moving vehicle before THAT happens! :) Here’s hoping you don’t run out of coffee again anytime soon! :)
    ~Ciao
    TenaciousBitch
    A wanna-be coffee snob

  2. I got into coffee about a month ago when I discovered a recipe for coffee that uses what’s called Bulletproof coffee and grass-fed butter. I use 2 tablespoons of fresh ground bulletproof coffee beans, two tablespoons of grass-fed (important!) butter and 1/8 teaspoon of ground Madagascar vanilla beans.
    Has to be the best part of my day.

  3. I SOOO get this. One- i am a coffee whore…and two-my mother loves her instant!! ha!! way too funny. i think i would DIE without my coffee…and lord knows- its that first sip..isnt it? wait…maybe i meant the first cup….wait or pot?
    GREAT post!

  4. I always keep a jar of Medaglia D’Oro instant espresso on hand for “We’re out of coffee!!” emergencies! I also use a bit of it any time I’m baking something chocolate! Lol I love that you take the espresso machine camping that’s great!!

  5. I’m having a chuckle as I read this because I’m propped up against my pillows – still in bed – sipping a coffee which my husband brought me moments ago. Perfect timing. (We too have a jar of instant lurking in the cupboard. It’s for baking. Really.) Great post.

  6. When i was in turkey, i would make it a ritual to go into town for Turkish coffee……mmmmmmm. I love my morning coffe,and the K-cups save my day every morning.

  7. Oh..yes. I have microwaved mine about 6 times by noon having only taken 3-4 sips and then proceed to dump out the old coffee and brew more coffee only to have the same thing happen again… I think I go thru about 3 pots of coffee a day but with my husband at work, it’s just me drinking the coffee, and out of those 3 pots I maybe have 1 entire mug’s worth….but I can’t function without it. I have never tried instant coffee, and now probably never will! Lol.

  8. That’s funny. I am not a coffe snob, but need my coffee! I probably would have been content to drink the lumpy coffe, grinds in my teeth and all:)

  9. Pingback: Coffee, Cookies and Cocktails? | Writings of a Mrs Mommy

  10. *laughing* This is a great post. I’m raising my cup of Starbucks, home brewed, to you in a salute to all coffee snobs. Here’s to all good husbands who are adventurous and thoughtful. Gotta love ‘em when they go the extra mile :D
    Leslie

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